First off, thank you. It can be scary to put yourself out there, even if only to friends and loved ones. I am working on being more vulnerable, more courageous, more open, and sharing my writing was a big step for me. Having you dear people respond to my efforts with love and kindness is a gift. So thank you, again and again.
I have come to deeply appreciate the notion of change, the promise that nothing we experience or feel is permanent. There is peace in realizing and accepting this truth. It is reassuring to know that the bad will pass, and it is comforting to know that the good will come again. This idea may be cliche–you know, nothing lasts forever–but the clarity of the concept is new to me and has brought about a much-needed sense of well-being.
I have always found the period of change from one season to the next to be particularly magical. I guess that’s because it’s easy to see the transformation during the in-between times, before the freshness wears off and we become accustomed to the feel of the days. There is new energy, shifting light, a difference in the way the air feels and smells. Now that it’s spring, Lucy and I go out into the yard every day to see what’s changing. I don’t know that I’ve ever been so giddy over each new sprout, bud, and bloom, so mesmerized by the movements of birds and snails and ladybugs.
I savor the change in my own awareness, too. The simplest experiences have become the sweetest moments. During treatment, I hated the sensation of the shower on my bald head; now, I love washing my hair, feeling it grow longer every week. During treatment, I was sensitive to the sun and could barely go outside without covering up in hats, sunglasses, long sleeves and SPF 50; now, I rejoice in the warm touch of sunshine on my skin. During treatment, I was restless at night and woke each morning thinking, “I have cancer. Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit;” now, I sleep soundly. And I wake up to snuggles with Lucy and excitement for each new day. I love feeling healthy and strong, free of pain and nausea, calm and content. I realize that I wouldn’t know how good all this feels if I didn’t have the darker days of treatment for reference–and I find myself thankful for everything I have been through.
Often, when people hear my cancer story, they tell me, “But you’re so young!” Too young for serious illness, too young to be thinking about mortality. But we all know this disease doesn’t discriminate. And really, there is an upside to being diagnosed at a relatively early age: I get to move forward in life with a changed perspective, with gratitude for every single today and the small beauties each one brings. I like myself better than I did before cancer. I have more patience. I judge less. I don’t worry about much anymore. I am happier. How strange that something life-threatening should give me such freedom to live.
♥♥♥
In celebration of change, here are two recipes that transform vegetables I consider rather dull–radishes and beets–into something I am excited to eat. Roasting the radishes mellows out their spiciness, and pickling the beets cuts through some of their earthy sweetness. These are very loose recipes, which is how I like best to cook. You can adjust the quantities of the ingredients to your liking.
Roasted Radishes
adapted from thekitchn.com
Ingredients:
Radishes, trimmed and washed
Olive oil or avocado oil
Sea salt
Lime wedges and chopped cilantro for garnish (optional)
Directions:
Preheat oven to 425°. Cut radishes in half crosswise. Toss radishes with oil and salt to taste. Place radishes cut-side down in a cast-iron skillet or other heavy baking sheet or pan. Roast for 10-15 minutes, until the white parts of the radishes start to turn brown and the skins begin to wrinkle. Toss with a little more salt, a squeeze of lime juice, and a sprinkle of chopped cilantro.
Pickled Beets
inspired by my dad, who has always been a big fan of beets
Ingredients:
Cooked beets, peeled and sliced into 1/4-inch rounds
Vinegar (I like white, red wine, or apple cider vinegar)
Water
Garlic gloves, crushed
Herbs and spices to taste (I like dill weed and mustard seed)
Salt to taste
Directions:
Mix together equal parts vinegar and water, enough to cover your beets, in a bowl or large, wide-mouthed canning jar. Add a couple of cloves of crushed garlic, along with whatever herbs and spices you like and a couple of pinches of salt. Stir well to dissolve the salt. Add the sliced beets to this mixture, cover tightly, and store in the refrigerator.
pruneandpear 