It snowed here the night after Christmas. I gazed out the nursery window, watched flurries crossing the beam of a streetlight, as I rocked Lucy to sleep. The snow didn’t last, but it nicely punctuated the end of her first Christmas. As we rocked, I imagined what it would be like next year to bundle her up and take her out into the quiet white, to see her cheeks turn rosy and hear her laugh, screeching and delighted, at the newness of it. The thought made my eyes water and my heart ache. Oh, this love! It is heavy, heavy, heavy.
Since Lucy’s arrival, I have found myself looking forward to holiday traditions with an excitement I haven’t felt in years. Having a child has made me want to carve jack-o-lanterns, cut hand turkeys, and hang Christmas lights. All of these rituals are novel to my girl; when she encounters something new, she opens her bright eyes so wide and just stares, so intently, her mouth open and curled up at the corners, her hands reaching out–and then she smiles like the ocean, vast and beautiful. I can’t get enough of that smile.
And so we do things to make her light up. We gaze at decorations in the mall, we wrap presents in crinkly paper, we hang the tree with shiny things. We even made Christmas cookies this year. I can’t remember the last time I did that.

I envisioned a cozy afternoon of baking, with Lucy cooing underfoot, a cup of milky tea in my hand, Christmas carols on the record player, and dozens of perfect cookies coming out of the oven at regular intervals. It did not, of course, play out quite like that. Lucy was fussy and uninterested in a nap, toys, or being put down. My tea cooled quickly, shoved aside to make room for measuring, mixing, flouring, and rolling on my impossibly narrow block of usable counter space. I forgot about the music. But it didn’t matter. We made those cookies. They were delicious. And now we have the tools and foundation for another new tradition.
Life is much more disorderly and unpredictable now. As someone used to being in control, I am hit with that realization again and again. The feeling is new and confusing–and pretty great, too; it is a little like falling and a lot like flying. It feels good to become less rigid, to bend and reshape parts of myself to make space for someone else to grow alongside.
I can’t wait to see the mess we make next year.



Christmas Cookies
I didn’t own any cookie cutters and had to go buy some, along with sprinkles and a fresh bag of sugar. I also didn’t have a recipe and ended up using the one on the back of the cookie cutter package because it called for both vanilla and almond extracts, all butter, and ominously warned me: DO NOT CHILL DOUGH. The resulting cookies were crisp and lightly sweet. I think next year I will try adding lemon zest for a little tartness.
You will need:
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp almond extract
Preheat oven to 350º. Mix dry ingredients together in a medium bowl and set aside. In a large bowl, beat together butter and sugar until fluffy. Add the egg and extracts to the butter mixture and beat until well incorporated. Add 1 cup of the flour mixture and mix to combine. Continue to add the flour mixture gradually, mixing after each addition. The dough will become quite thick, so you may find a wooden spoon or spatula to be a good tool if your hand mixer fails you.
Divide the dough into two balls so you have a manageable amount to work with. Do not chill. On a floured surface, roll one ball of dough at a time out to 1/4″ thickness (or a little thinner if you prefer a crisper cookie). Dip cookie cutters in flour to prevent sticking. Cut dough into desired shapes and place on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 8-12 minutes. Cookies should be very lightly golden-brown on the bottom and sides.



