The newness of it

It snowed here the night after Christmas. I gazed out the nursery window, watched flurries crossing the beam of a streetlight, as I rocked Lucy to sleep. The snow didn’t last, but it nicely punctuated the end of her first Christmas. As we rocked, I imagined what it would be like next year to bundle her up and take her out into the quiet white, to see her cheeks turn rosy and hear her laugh, screeching and delighted, at the newness of it. The thought made my eyes water and my heart ache. Oh, this love! It is heavy, heavy, heavy.

Since Lucy’s arrival, I have found myself looking forward to holiday traditions with an excitement I haven’t felt in years. Having a child has made me want to carve jack-o-lanterns, cut hand turkeys, and hang Christmas lights. All of these rituals are novel to my girl; when she encounters something new, she opens her bright eyes so wide and just stares, so intently, her mouth open and curled up at the corners, her hands reaching out–and then she smiles like the ocean, vast and beautiful. I can’t get enough of that smile.

And so we do things to make her light up. We gaze at decorations in the mall, we wrap presents in crinkly paper, we hang the tree with shiny things. We even made Christmas cookies this year. I can’t remember the last time I did that.

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I envisioned a cozy afternoon of baking, with Lucy cooing underfoot, a cup of milky tea in my hand, Christmas carols on the record player, and dozens of perfect cookies coming out of the oven at regular intervals. It did not, of course, play out quite like that. Lucy was fussy and uninterested in a nap, toys, or being put down. My tea cooled quickly, shoved aside to make room for measuring, mixing, flouring, and rolling on my impossibly narrow block of usable counter space. I forgot about the music. But it didn’t matter. We made those cookies. They were delicious. And now we have the tools and foundation for another new tradition.

Life is much more disorderly and unpredictable now. As someone used to being in control, I am hit with that realization again and again. The feeling is new and confusing–and pretty great, too; it is a little like falling and a lot like flying. It feels good to become less rigid, to bend and reshape parts of myself to make space for someone else to grow alongside.

I can’t wait to see the mess we make next year.

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Batch no. 1 burned as I frantically rocked Lucy, trying unsuccessfully to get her down for a nap while the oven timer beeped with increasing insistence.
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Batch no. 2, following the failed nap attempt. I was slinging sprinkles over my shoulder while dodging blows from my overtired baby.
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Batch no. 3, looking presentable. Lucy had succumbed to a nap at last, and I had traded in my cold tea for a glass of wine.

Christmas Cookies

I didn’t own any cookie cutters and had to go buy some, along with sprinkles and a fresh bag of sugar. I also didn’t have a recipe and ended up using the one on the back of the cookie cutter package because it called for both vanilla and almond extracts, all butter, and ominously warned me: DO NOT CHILL DOUGH. The resulting cookies were crisp and lightly sweet. I think next year I will try adding lemon zest for a little tartness.

You will need:
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp almond extract

Preheat oven to 350º. Mix dry ingredients together in a medium bowl and set aside. In a large bowl, beat together butter and sugar until fluffy. Add the egg and extracts to the butter mixture and beat until well incorporated. Add 1 cup of the flour mixture and mix to combine. Continue to add the flour mixture gradually, mixing after each addition. The dough will become quite thick, so you may find a wooden spoon or spatula to be a good tool if your hand mixer fails you.

Divide the dough into two balls so you have a manageable amount to work with. Do not chill. On a floured surface, roll one ball of dough at a time out to 1/4″ thickness (or a little thinner if you prefer a crisper cookie). Dip cookie cutters in flour to prevent sticking. Cut dough into desired shapes and place on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 8-12 minutes. Cookies should be very lightly golden-brown on the bottom and sides.

A game of transformation

Creating meals from leftovers brings me tremendous satisfaction. Neither Mike nor I enjoy eating leftovers because we like variety and lack a microwave are spoiled rotten food snobs. (I will say, however, that our privileged palates have been humbled somewhat by the arrival of Miss Lucy. We are learning that when you’re exhausted and it’s late and you have to work the next day and your baby may wake up wailing at any moment, leftovers are not beneath you. Neither are scrambled eggs, takeout, or cold cereal.) And although I dislike leftovers, I despise wasting food. I cringe, feeling guilty and incompetent, as I toss wilting vegetables and week-old spaghetti into the smirking maw of the compost pail or, worse, the trash can. So, when the guilt is too strong, I summon the creativity that survives in me, somehow, suppressed as it is by worry and perfectionism, and make a game of transformation, turning leftovers–presto, change-o!–into something new and tasty. It brings me such joy and makes me feel a little like Harry Potter.

One of my best tricks is homemade pizza. You can put almost anything on pizza crust, blanket it with mozzarella, and have yourself something really good for dinner. The other night I did just that, combining mushrooms, peppers, and slivers of red onion with some slightly gray coppa salami that had been loitering in the meats-and-cheeses drawer of the refrigerator. And even though I knocked my prep bowl of finely chopped herbs and garlic on the floor and had to use garlic powder and dried herbs on the crust instead, even though I accidentally sprinkled the crust with dry mustard instead of that garlic powder and then had to scrape it off, cursing, the pizza turned out great.

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I found a no-yeast crust recipe a few years ago and have been using it ever since. The flavor and texture are more like flatbread than pizza crust, but the dough is quick and easy to make, so it works well for weeknights.

No-yeast Pizza Crust
adapted from bettycrocker.com

You will need:
1 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp kosher salt
1/2 cup milk
2 tbsp olive oil

Preheat oven to 400º. Mix together dry ingredients. Stir in milk and oil to form a soft, sticky dough. You can add a touch more milk if the dough is too dry. Knead dough 10 times on a floured surface. Cover it with a bowl and let it rest at least 10 minutes. Flatten the dough slightly on an ungreased cookie sheet and then roll it out to a 12″ round. Try, at least–my crusts always come out oblong because the shape fits my cookie sheet better. I like to think it looks more rustic that way.

Bake the crust without toppings for 8-10 minutes. It will puff up and turn lightly golden. The puffiness will deflate, but if it bothers you, poke some holes in the dough with a fork before you bake it. Top the pre-baked crust with your choice of sauce, cheese, meat, vegetables, whatever, and bake at 400º for 25 more minutes or so. You’ll know it’s ready when the edges of the crust are golden and your cheese is bubbling and starting to brown. Cool slightly, sprinkle all over with grated parmesan, slice, and serve.

Some notes on sauce and toppings:
Because this crust is so light and thin, I like to brush it with olive oil and sprinkle it with chopped herbs and garlic. Traditional tomato sauce works, too, as long as you don’t smear it on too thickly. Some of my favorite topping combinations are:

chicken + zucchini + red onion
sausage + kale + mushroom
prosciutto + arugula + provolone
salami + mushroom
tomato + basil

 

In non-traditional fashion

I love Thanksgiving. I always have. I love spending a whole day in the kitchen and the way the house smells like turkey at 9 in the morning. I love having the parade/dog show/football on TV in the background as the day progresses. (I actually hate the parade, especially the musical numbers. It is part of the story of the day, though, so I am fond of the idea of it.) I love making hand turkeys to put on the wall and setting the table with flowers and candles. Even though some (most) Thanksgivings, I end up sweaty, crabby, and covered in flour by the time we are actually ready to eat, every year I look forward to all of it: to the prepping, cooking, stirring, baking, drinking, displaying, chatting, laughing, Scrabble playing, and finally, the feasting.

Lucy’s first Thanksgiving was two days ago. We ended up celebrating in mostly non-traditional fashion, walking to my in-laws’ house for midday ham and green-bean casserole and then heading home to cook and eat late-night roasted chicken and potatoes. My family was away, visiting my collegiate sister in Arizona. It was a different year; fitting, maybe, because having a new baby makes everything different. And though it was strange and a little sad to skip the familiar experience in my mom’s kitchen, a song I know so well, it also felt good to do our own thing. We are starting our own rituals as a young family, building on what we know and making new traditions as we go.

And yet! No matter what traditions we start for ourselves, there will always, always be apple pie at Thanksgiving. I know I promised a covered dish when last we spoke, but trust me: this pie is so much better.

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I have been making apple pie for Thanksgiving for as long as I can remember. I am pretty awesome at making apple pie. In fact, Mike claims it was my apple pie that won his heart 9 years ago. This year’s pie might have been my best ever. I tried out a new crust recipe and a new apple combination for the filling, and it was perfect.

Apple Pie
adapted from the Betty Crocker cookbook

You will need:

2 pre-made, all-butter pie crusts
I doubled this recipe from Elise Bauer at Simply Recipes. Don’t forget to increase the sugar amount per the instructions for a sweet preparation. Also, this recipe only makes one crust so make sure you double it. This crust was delicate, temperamental, and ugly. It was also perfectly flaky and had great flavor. I am something of a crust snob, and this recipe makes some of the best I’ve had. It’s my new go-to crust.

8 tart, firm-fleshed apples. I used Pink Lady apples, with a couple of Fujis thrown in for sweetness. Granny Smiths are traditional. Gravensteins would be sublime, if you can find them.
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup flour
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg (freshly grated if you have it)
1/4 tsp ground cloves
Pinch salt

Preheat oven to 425º. Peel and core the apples. Slice them very thinly, as thinly as you can. This is important! If you cut the apples into thick chunks, they won’t cook all the way through. Thin slices give you soft layers of cooked apples and maximize surface area for flavor to cling to.

Put the apples in a large mixing bowl. Add the sugars, flour, spices, and salt to the apples and mix carefully, using a folding motion. Try to avoid breaking the apple slices. The sugars will dissolve in the juice from the apples, leaving a beautiful, cider-flavored syrup coating each slice. Let the apples hang out and get juicy while you roll out the pie crusts.

Line a 10-inch pie plate with one rolled-out crust. Pour in the apple filling. Cover the filling with the other crust. I like to use a whole crust, but a lattice on top would be pretty, too. Seal and flute the edges. Cut several slits in the top crust to allow the filling to vent while baking. Cover the edges of the crust with aluminum foil. Lightly sprinkle sugar over the top of the pie. Bake for 30 minutes. Remove the foil and bake for 15 additional minutes to cook the edges. Allow the pie to cool slightly before serving it. Apple pie is delicious at room temperature, but even better warm with vanilla ice cream. It is also good with coffee for breakfast the next day.

 

 

Something beautiful

If you’re out there, reading this, thank you, and welcome in. I hope I can share a few recipes with you, or tell you a story that makes you laugh. I have a baby girl. Her name is Lucy, and she is everything. This blog is for her. It’s about love.

Lucy is almost five months old, and now that we’ve emerged, red-eyed and milk-stained, from the hangover that is the newborn stage, I want to make her something beautiful. I will use this space to curate and polish and preserve the shiny little moments of her childhood. Lucy hasn’t got a baby book, so my collection of ramblings will have to do.

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Writing here is a also way for me to get back to writing for myself, after years of scurrying around, chasing careers and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I want to write for enjoyment, about people and things that make me feel alive. I want to write memories. My mom keeps photo albums in her library at home, shelves of them, chronicling our family’s life. They are the most beautiful jewels. The books start with photos of my parents: long-haired, in cutoff shorts, rocking the seventies. They continue on through marriages and births and parties and recitals and graduations–and then more marriages and births, as the next generation cycles on. I never, ever get tired of looking at them and rereading the stories they tell. Writing here is a way for me to document my family’s story.

And, of course, there will be food. Food weaves its way through our lives, connecting one season to the next, giving structure on which to build traditions. Food is about more than survival. It’s about love.

Love and food put meat on the bones of a family.

So welcome in, to my heart and my kitchen. I’m sorry I didn’t make you a covered dish or something to properly introduce myself. Next time, I promise!